capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
