While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
