he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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