He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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