Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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