just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just pynch a tree in the face
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
