i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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