Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
