There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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