What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
