On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
