i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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