my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
