Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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