This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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