Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
