Your dad touched me again.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
