So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
ugly people sure do ruin things
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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