They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
