I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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