I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
