I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
