I think I just saw someone hide a body.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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