alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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