im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
