I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
