you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
God, I missed his penis.
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