my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
