Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
