Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
