I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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