just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
