Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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