I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
