when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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