she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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