sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
