Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
