I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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