I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
zippers are such a cool invention
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
How does one acquire holy water?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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