Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
