I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
