So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
