Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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