Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
