my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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