You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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