end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
