You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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