The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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