You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
