Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
