Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
